i'm not proud of myself

WARNING: Don't bother to read this because this is my personal blog & if you feel annoyed, please leave this page. TQ.

If i said i'm not a religous kind of person despite of my islamic name, shud i be proud of person I am? Certainly not. But that doesn't mean that I'm not looking for the right path of my life. Doesn't mean that I show disrespect towards people who practicing it. Doesn't mean that I give them a 'look' when i see them anywhere. I still respect my religious but i need some time to find the right path of my life.



When azan is performed, I'll stop talking & laughing. I even lower the volume of the television. During ceramah agama in television, I still listen & watch the program. I didn't dissed the show. During, my islamic class, i sit in front & listen carefully because only that specific time I can gain my knowledge about Islam. I still greet my friends "Assalamualaikum" & " Waalaikummusalam". I even interested to listen when my friend talk about knowledge of Islam that I seldom heard of.

People cannot blame me for lack of Islamic Knowledge but that doesn't mean I'm not searching for it. You cannot judge me before you know me well.. Look at my background. My parents do not bother forcing me to perform 5 times prayer. My mother & my sister even do not wear tudung. My dad only do Maghrib & Isya' prayer at the mosque just because he is a AJK of the resident's mosque. My parents do not scold my sister & I when we colored our hair or when I wear silver necklace or when I wear earrings. Furthermore, my friends are mostly non-muslim, they respect me & I respect them too. Moreover my friends like to socialize. But that doesn't mean that I'm so proud of doing all of those things. If you think so, you're so wrong.



In life, i always being teased because of this. My friends even said,

" Hey, I didnt know that you can recite kalimah syahadah."

" Hey, i didnt know that you can perform a prayer because i never saw you did one."

" Hey your name didn't match you act & appearance "

My sister give me a smirk when she see me taking wudu' to perform my prayer. She even say," Since when you repent? " Those words lowered my confidence & fire immediately. Some of my friend also make fun of my mistakes in life. Like selling those story to other people so that i'll look bad. I'm not proud of doing that thing, I still fell ashamed when they talked about it. I'm not like the other kid, who think they so modern in these urban world which they have to fit in with all the global culture. I'm not like those spoil rich kid that have all these sport cars, social life, love clubbing, do drugs,drink the devil's drink & do random sex & proud of their social life. I'm not like THAT majority.



Now, I'm searching for the right path of my life. But its a gradually process. I still searching for the right friends who can give me a guidance towards these new life but not the one who take advantage on me. Because I so fragile & vulnerable from the inside. If someone take advantage on me & hold my hand to the darkside, i cannot do anything because i'm lost & clueless. ( I had write about this on previous post aite? Ahax)

if its a cross-finger... its dangerous

ミ●﹏☉ミ